Love Lists

Uh- HELLO:
alyssasaidhi.com is OFFICIALLY OFFICIAL. I feel so legit.

This tweet.
Seriously, I don't think I've laughed at anything this hard in a really long time.

Pumpkin Everything.
Seriously - coffee? cream cheese? m&ms? when will the madness end?! (never, hopefully.)

Bethenny's Talk Show.
I love love LOVE her, and her inappropriateness, so I really love watching her show every day.

Having a DVR.
I've never had a DVR before. My parents have one at their house, but it never felt like MINE, you know? This one is alllll mine (and Garrett's.) Seriously, it doesn't take much to impress me.

This sweater from Target.
This was the last thing I bought before I committed to No-Spend September with Stevie (holy alliteration.) and bonus: I got it on sale!

Half Price Wine.
The italian restaurant close to our apartment does half price bottles of wine on Tuesdays, sooooo you know where we were last night. And probably every Tuesday from now until forever.

The new iPhones.
I'm not one of those people who always need the best (I'm still rocking the iPhone 4 that I got in 2011) but dang, that gold iPhone is pretty freakin' sexy. And an iPhone that takes clear pictures in low lighting? How special!

What are you loving lately? And what do you think about the new iPhones? Will you be investing? Tell me everything, I love talking about this stuff.

Blogtember - When Your Life Took a Turn

I'm not participating in that many days of Blogtember, but when I saw the prompt for today, I knew I wanted to do it.

You know how you have some moments in your life that seem super inconsequential at the time, but then when you think about them when you're older, you realize how significant they are? I had one of those my freshman year of college. It was the night I found out I had been hired to be an RA.

I was sitting in the floor of my dorm room talking to Kelsey when my friend Kyle came by. We had done our RA interviews on the same day, and he came up to tell me that he had gotten his hire letter that afternoon. He wanted to walk with me to get mine, but if I didn't get hired anywhere, I didn't want to be around a ton of people. I walked over to the mail center, got my letter, and walked back to my dorm to open it.

Let me tell you, the dorm I lived in freshman year was kind of a dump. It was fine for me, because it's where all my friends lived that year, but I was excited to (hopefully) live in a different dorm the next year. So I opened the letter. I saw the "congratulations!" first, and quit reading. I excitedly told Kelsey that I got the job, and of course, the first thing she said was "which building?" I hadn't even looked. I picked the letter back up and finished reading. I had been hired for the same building I was living in that year.

I was pretty disappointed. I was happy to get the job, but seriously? There are twenty residence halls on campus. I get hired back to go to the SAME ONE? Ugh.

I had no idea that I would go on to work for that supervisor in three different positions over the next five years, including one professional position where I'd figure out what I wanted to do with the rest of my life. Or that I'd meet my friend Jenna. Or that I'd start babysitting his kids.

And I also had no idea that when I'd go over to his house for his son's first birthday party in December 2009, I'd meet his cousin, Garrett.

All because of one job, and one offer letter that I read one random Tuesday night after a walk to Tate Street Coffee.

I love that quote from The Alchemist because it encapsulates our relationship so well. If one tiny little thing had been different, our paths never would have crossed. If I had turned down the job, or gotten an offer for a different building, or if i had gone to a different university, or if he had to work and didn't make it down, none of this would have happened. None of it.

Craziness.

Oh, Monday.

First of all, thanks for all of your sweet messages on Friday. I'm going to respond to each of your emails today, but you guys are the best.

It was QUITE a weekend. We committed to babysitting Garrett's niece and nephew for the whole weekend about a month ago, so when all this happened and we found out the visitation/funeral was going to be this weekend, I was pretty stressed. It was nice to have distractions, in the form of a three year old and a four year old, but trying to line up babysitters at the last minute for kids that aren't even mine was interesting, to say the least. Also, Garrett says we're never, ever having kids. We'll see about that.

Obviously, as the cool aunt, I let her paint her toenails by herself. She's not bad, I gotta say.

(Ignore that fingernail polish stain on her shirt.

The funeral yesterday was... hard. For everyone, but especially my youngest cousin. She's 12, and sassy, and wonderful. I always forget she's ONLY twelve years old - she always acts much, much older. She's fiercely independent (sassy and independent. you're getting why she and I have such a connection, right?, and usually doesn't need a lot of affection. But yesterday, she did. Yesterday, she didn't leave my side. It's the worst, most awful feeling, because I know there's nothing I can do to make her stop crying. 

It took me back to my grandmother's funeral three years ago. She didn't cry at all through the funeral, but after it was over and everyone was standing around talking, I saw her across the church. It was obvious she was looking for someone. Just as I started to call out to her to see who she was looking for, she saw me, and I realized that I was who she was looking for. She ran across the church, into my arms, and just lost it. I'll never, ever forget it.

Yesterday, I realized that she really is ONLY twelve years old. She needs extra love and hugs just like any other twelve year old would. And really, she needs me as much as I need her. I didn't mean for this post to be all sad, too. This whole thing has just been such a roller coaster. I'm still processing it all.

Let's end on an alpaca that we saw at the Science Center on Saturday so this post isn't too sentimental, okay?

And maybe a lemur? Yes?

Theeee coolest. Happy Monday, you guys!

The Post I Didn't Think I'd Have to Write

I've been going back and forth on how I would approach this on my blog, or if I would at all. Despite having a (mildly) successful blog and a really big mouth, I consider myself somewhat of a private person. I don't like talking about things that are sad, or things that are traumatic. I'm not one of those people that posts tributes on all the social networks when something bad happens. I usually lay low. But everyone on here has been so wonderful and supportive and kind the last few months, I knew I had to say something on here. My grandpa passed away on Wednesday.

Typing it feels very weird and foreign and surreal. I'm sad, obviously. Incredibly sad. But I don't feel like "sad" really encapsulates how I feel.

I'm not a stranger to grief. Three years ago, my grandmother died from endometrial cancer. Her battle was quick - she was fine at my college graduation in May and in August, she died. When she died, I was absolutely devastated - I had never considered the fact that I could live in a world where she wasn't always around, where would never meet my husband or my children. It's naive when I think about it now, because even if she was still alive, she wouldn't have the role in my kids lives that she had in mine. But it was the first time I had ever dealt with a real tragedy in my life, so I was shocked, and heartbroken. In a way, I still am.

It's different now. Not because I was closer to my grandmother than I was to my grandpa. It's different, sure, but we were still close. I don't really know how to describe it.

I'm definitely sad. I'm sad that he won't be at my wedding. I'm sad he won't get to meet my kids. I'm sad we won't have Christmas the way we used to. I'm sad for my mom, who's lost both of her parents just three years apart. I'm sad for my cousins, who are 12 and 15, because I know that they're struggling even more than me.

I feel guilty. I feel like I've been living two separate lives - one where I'm dealing with the sickness (and subsequent death) of a family member, and one where I'm finally living with Garrett and everything is amazing. It's a weird dichotomy.

I'm angry. And bitter. I'm angry that cancer is still a thing that exists. I'm angry that two of the kindest, most amazing people I've ever met had to deal with such an ugly, horrible disease. I'm angry that the burden of cancer was placed onto my family, not once, but twice.

I'm anxious. I don't know what's going to happen to my family. I don't know what the future will hold or how things will play out. The road that we've traveled together so far has been extremely difficult, and I have a feeling that things aren't going to get easier any time soon.

I know all of these things are natural and normal and all part of the grief process. I'm dealing. We all are. But damn, it is rough around here. Thanks to all of you for being so amazing and wonderful and supportive. I love you all, and I'm incredibly thankful for you.