Wednesday, January 8, 2014

Are YOU Breaking These Coffee Shop Rules? I hope not!

I've spent a lot of time in coffee shops. In fact, I fancy myself a bit of a coffee shop expert, which is kind of a big deal, because you know I don't consider myself an expert at that many things. And being a coffee shop expert (I refuse to use the word snob, thankyouverymuch), I have pretty high standards on what I think is acceptable behavior while in a coffee shop.

On Sunday, Garrett and I wanted to get out of the house, so we decided to head over to my long-time favorite local coffee place for a bit. It's your typical local coffee joint - lots of local artwork on the wall, local music, and lots of people. You know, it was a rainy Sunday afternoon, so it was busy. Too busy for two dudes to be taking up six chairs, or some other dude to have his laptop cord strung across three tables. But all those things happened.

And that got me thinking: are there coffee shop rules? People who use subways often complain about people who don't have "subway etiquette:" people who take up multiple seats, people who don't move for old people or pregnant ladies, etc. No one tells you those rules, but they're all things you should know if you're an adult that lives in, you know, reality.

But some people don't know those rules. Until now. Because I'm about to lay down the law, coffee shop style.
Rule Number One: If you are ONE person, you do NOT need a table with four chairs, especially when the coffee shop is busy. "But Alyssa, I have to spread out all my crap to be productive!" You're full of it. This is not your living room.

And while we're on the subject...
Rule Number Two: If you are two people, sit at one table. Do NOT sit at two tables close to each other. In case this rule is confusing, allow me to present this helpful diagram. This is what happened on Sunday.
Two humans taking up two tables and SIX chairs. Are you for REAL? You see how busy this place is, right? Those two girls that just walked in don't have anywhere to sit because you two yoyos are taking up two entire tables for no reason at all. I know you straight dudes think that if you sit too close together, you'll catch The Gay, but I promise that won't happen. So go ahead and get cozy. And stop being such a jerk.

Oh, and do you see that long yellow line in that diagram? That's someone's LAPTOP CORD. Which brings me to my next rule:
Rule Number Three: If you want to work on your computer, and your computer needs to be plugged in, sit close to an outlet. Don't weave your cord through three different tables and then require other patrons to step over/under it. Also, if your computer must be plugged in at all times, maybe a coffee shop environment isn't the best option? Maybe.

Rule Number Four: If the line is long, know what you want before you get to the cash register. There are menus everywhere for a reason. Don't act like you're soooo surprised the barista wants to know what you want. If the shop isn't busy, sure, take all the time you need. But if it's busy, especially in the mornings during the work week, you better have it together when you get to the front of the line.

Rule Number Five: If you have a complicated order, say it slowly and clearly. In my experience, baristas don't mind a long order, but they DO mind if you're rude and awful. Don't be rude and awful.

Rule Number Six: If you're a sneezing, coughing mess, please stay at home. It's flu season, and these tables are way too close together for you to be snotting all over other people. Also, caffeine isn't going to do anything for you anyway. Go drink some tea. At home. We all thank you.

Rule Number Seven: If you order a no-foam cappuccino, your barista IS going to make fun of you behind your back. I am too. I might even blog about how dumb you are. A cappuccino without foam is not a cappuccino, it is a latte. You don't need to know every type of coffee and espresso drink that has ever existed, but you DO need to know what you're ordering.

Rule Number Eight: Tipping your baristas isn't mandatory, but it sure is nice. They deal with dumb people all day who order no-foam cappuccinos, and even a small tip will mean a lot to them.

Rule Number Nine: For the love of all things holy, please don't skype in the coffee shop. Everywhere has free wifi these days, and I promise you that none of the other coffee shop patrons want to listen to you scream at your best friend about how drunk you got last night, and how hilarious it was. Take it to McDonalds.
Rule Number Ten: Seasonal drinks are, you know, seasonal. Don't pitch a fit in the middle of the summer because you can't get a peppermint mocha. You know that no one loves a PSL more than this girl, but for everything there is a season, and all that. Cool your stinkin' jets.

So there you have it. Print this off and carry it with you if you need to. These are the rules. You have to follow them, or you have to be prepared to face the wrath of the coffee gods, and you do NOT want to get tangled up with them. They're under-caffeinated, and they are angry.

Don't say I didn't warn you, that's all I'm saying.

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Rachel said...

hahaha these are just general life rules that people should follow!

Leslie said...

Having been a barista for 2.5 years - I love this. People used to completely boggle my mind with the way they acted. I also COULD NOT STAND people who do the whole "no foam" or "light foam" thing. Just. Stop. You ordered a capp, you're getting foam.

Lauren said...

May I also add - don't go to the best coffeeshop in the city on a weekend morning and spend hours hogging a table alone drinking nothing when people are in there ordering the awesome food and eating it standing up around you. Not cool. Drink your drink, sit for a few, and leave!

... not that this happened to me or anything...

Duh! Danae said...

I'm not trendy enough for coffee shops, I also haven't had coffee in like two weeks. I thought I was going to die, but hey I'm alive!

Duh! Danae said...

I'm not trendy enough for coffee shops, I also haven't had coffee in like two weeks. I thought I was going to die, but hey I'm alive!

Meg Doherty said...

Phew, I don't think I break any of these, but I do have a story similar to your #3 - I was in a coffee shop and there was a chick with her computer plugged in. The table next to the outlet was EMPTY, but she sat across the way and the cord was pulled tight a few inches off the ground and I almost tripped on it, trying to carry my drinks AND SHE GLARED AT ME!!! ...crazy lady

Jo-Anne Meadows said...

Great rules they should have these rules printed in big letters and posted around the coffee shops for all the dumbasses to see

Chandler said...

OMG I cannot describe how perfect these rules are!! I feel the need to print them out and handed them to people being rude or ignorant in a coffee shop.

Sarah @ To Be Mrs. Collier said...

How could the placement of jerk 1 and jerk 2 be comfortable or conducive for whatever they were up to?

Anonymous said...

As a city girl, I know all of these people too well at all my local coffee shops. OH MY GOODNESS. I think the Skypers are among the worst along with the 1 guy taking up a 4 person table. Just. No.


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