On Sunday, Garrett and I wanted to get out of the house, so we decided to head over to my long-time favorite local coffee place for a bit. It's your typical local coffee joint - lots of local artwork on the wall, local music, and lots of people. You know, it was a rainy Sunday afternoon, so it was busy. Too busy for two dudes to be taking up six chairs, or some other dude to have his laptop cord strung across three tables. But all those things happened.
And that got me thinking: are there coffee shop rules? People who use subways often complain about people who don't have "subway etiquette:" people who take up multiple seats, people who don't move for old people or pregnant ladies, etc. No one tells you those rules, but they're all things you should know if you're an adult that lives in, you know, reality.
But some people don't know those rules. Until now. Because I'm about to lay down the law, coffee shop style.
And while we're on the subject...
Rule Number Two: If you are two people, sit at one table. Do NOT sit at two tables close to each other. In case this rule is confusing, allow me to present this helpful diagram. This is what happened on Sunday.
Oh, and do you see that long yellow line in that diagram? That's someone's LAPTOP CORD. Which brings me to my next rule:
Rule Number Three: If you want to work on your computer, and your computer needs to be plugged in, sit close to an outlet. Don't weave your cord through three different tables and then require other patrons to step over/under it. Also, if your computer must be plugged in at all times, maybe a coffee shop environment isn't the best option? Maybe.
Rule Number Four: If the line is long, know what you want before you get to the cash register. There are menus everywhere for a reason. Don't act like you're soooo surprised the barista wants to know what you want. If the shop isn't busy, sure, take all the time you need. But if it's busy, especially in the mornings during the work week, you better have it together when you get to the front of the line.
Rule Number Five: If you have a complicated order, say it slowly and clearly. In my experience, baristas don't mind a long order, but they DO mind if you're rude and awful. Don't be rude and awful.
Rule Number Six: If you're a sneezing, coughing mess, please stay at home. It's flu season, and these tables are way too close together for you to be snotting all over other people. Also, caffeine isn't going to do anything for you anyway. Go drink some tea. At home. We all thank you.
Rule Number Seven: If you order a no-foam cappuccino, your barista IS going to make fun of you behind your back. I am too. I might even blog about how dumb you are. A cappuccino without foam is not a cappuccino, it is a latte. You don't need to know every type of coffee and espresso drink that has ever existed, but you DO need to know what you're ordering.
Rule Number Eight: Tipping your baristas isn't mandatory, but it sure is nice. They deal with dumb people all day who order no-foam cappuccinos, and even a small tip will mean a lot to them.
Rule Number Nine: For the love of all things holy, please don't skype in the coffee shop. Everywhere has free wifi these days, and I promise you that none of the other coffee shop patrons want to listen to you scream at your best friend about how drunk you got last night, and how hilarious it was. Take it to McDonalds.
So there you have it. Print this off and carry it with you if you need to. These are the rules. You have to follow them, or you have to be prepared to face the wrath of the coffee gods, and you do NOT want to get tangled up with them. They're under-caffeinated, and they are angry.
Don't say I didn't warn you, that's all I'm saying.