Alyssa and the Tale of Four Boyfriends

So, I know you heard about the launch of iOS 7 yesterday. You may have even downloaded it. I didn't yet. I figured I'd wait till everyone ELSE did it and Apple worked out the kinks before I gave it a go.

With all the hoopla yesterday, I started thinking about how long I've had Apple devices. I've had them since... well... forever. (forever in terms of technology, anyway.) This is the third new operating system I've seen, and as weird as it sounds, I remember downloading each one. I started thinking about where I was in my life - and who I was dating - when I downloaded each one. Then I realized that you can really learn a lot about a person by how they deal with new technologies.

(there's nothing like a phone to make you super reflective and nostalgic, right?)

Boyfriend #1: The Bad Boy (ed. note: he wasn't actually a bad boy. he just wanted to be. but THAT is another post for another day. or another century.) The Bad Boy was a total tech-hater. He was one of those people that was always "too cool" to care about anything technology, and he's who I was dating when the ORIGINAL iPhone came out in 2007. I love keeping up with technology, so I was all over the announcement. It was SUPER exciting to me. I mean, it was unprecedented! I loved reading about it online... sspecially when they introduced apps a few months later. TOO COOL FOR WORDS. But BB didn't care. BB thought that I was too obsessed with technology, and a "slave to to the man." And he made sure I knew it. All the time.
The Red Flags: The major one? He made fun of the things I was interested in. You don't have to like the same things I like, but don't be a self-righteous d-bag about it. I definitely don't have time for that. Haters to the left.
What I learned: anyone who is obsessed with sticking it to "the man" is going to be way too much of a pain in the butt for you. Just quit while you're ahead.

Boyfriend #2: The Artist. The Artist was into technology, but couldn't afford an iPhone. Because he couldn't afford an iPhone, he made ME feel guilty for wanting an iPhone. Also, when iOS 4 came out, a lot of the functionalities didn't work on my super old iPod - namely, the background. When I expressed my disappointment, he told me it was stupid that I cared about something as trivial as backgrounds on a phone. I mean, it's not THAT big of a deal, but that black background is just lame, right? Give me a break.
The Red Flags: Hellooooo, he was consistently trying to bring me down to his level. Not good.
What I learned: Uh, when someone doesn't want you to have nice things because THEY can't have nice things, that's typically a sign they're not a very good person. Bye.

Boyfriend #3: The Businessman. The Businessman was the opposite of the first two guys. He was SUPER into technology. A lot of the time, it was pretty cool. We had a bazillion channels, a 3D tv, surround sound, the whole nine. Obviously, the businessman also LOVED his iPhone. Like.. loved it. The day iOS 6 came out, he took off work early so he could download it. I'm not kidding. I wanted to download it too, and when he found out I was downloading it too, he got SUPER mad because I was taking up all the internet. Seriously? We were paying for the fanciest internet package, I'm pretty sure we'd be okay. THEN, when his wasn't downloading an an acceptable speed, he unplugged the router and started over - while my phone was in the middle of verifying the download with Apple. My phone froze, and I had to do a restore on my phone. As in, I lost everything. It was a cool night. Fun fact: he also insisted on using HIS iPhone charger. Because he thought it worked with his phone better. Seriously.
The Red Flags: Ohhhh, where to start? The obsession with having the best of everything? The selfishness of shutting off the internet without checking to see if I was in the middle of something, and then the lack of apology when I told him he had ruined my phone? And really - taking off work for a phone update? Seriously? That's a bit much, even for me. I should have broken up with him that night, no question.
Ed. note #2: I'm also bitter because I KNOW he still has my iPhone headphones. He says he doesn't BUT I KNOW HE DOES.
What I learned: if he loves his phone more than he loves you, run. RUN FAR.

Boyfriend #4: The Teacher. Well.. we can just call him Garrett. You guys know him already. He's had an iPhone the whole time we've been together, and FaceTime is totally the reason our long-distance relationship was successful. We also had a conversation about iOS 7 that lasted less than five minutes today. Neither one of us have updated yet.
The Red Flags: Hmmmmm, none from where I'm sitting. A healthy, non-consuming appreciation for technology? Perfect.
What I learned: It's possible to enjoy each other AND enjoy things. How novel! I should marry him or something.

And that is the tale of Alyssa and the Four Boyfriends. They all lived happily ever after, or whatever. Well, I did, anyway. Me, Garrett, and our iPhones.