Thursday, October 3, 2013

On going to sleep angry.

When Garrett and I moved in together, I got a LOT of unsolicited advice.

And I'll tell you, the only thing I hate more than unsolicited advice is DUMB unsolicited advice.

The advice I got most? Never go to bed angry.
Now, Garrett and I have lived together less than two months, so maybe I'll change my mind later, but I can already tell you that I think that rule is Dumb with a capital D. Why? Let's talk about it.

The main argument for resolving conflict before you go to sleep is that if you don't, you won't resolve the issue EVER, and resentment will build up, and you'll start hating each other, and blah blah blah. But I'll tell you something: I'm going to resent you way more if you keep me up till 3am trying to rehash some dumb fight that neither one of us can remember the origin of now. Mama's gotta sleep, yo. And tired people + fighting is only going to lead to more crankiness + more fighting. Neither of you can put together a coherent sentence, and you're going to get stuck in a never-ending circle of empty fighting.

You know that your outlook is going to totally change after a full night's sleep. Garrett and I have had fights before, gone to bed, and woken up and everything was fine. Things were a lot easier to handle after a lot of sleep (and a lot of coffee) than they were at midnight after a long day and a long argument. The clarity you have after you've stepped away for a minute and REALLY thought about it is important when you're trying to resolve something.

And really, sometimes you just need a break from each other. I don't mean a break where you spend a ton of time apart, I just mean: relationships are hard, right? You spend A LOT of time with one person. Sometimes, fights bubble to the surface for no good reason. Sometimes, you just need to not talk for an hour or two. Why not make it eight hours and just go to sleep?

There are always going to be exceptions to the rule. And this method might not work for everyone. But I feel like we get a lot of pressure (especially as women) to resolve everything as soon as it happens, and I think it puts a lot of unnecessary stress on a relationship.

What do you think? How do you deal with pre-bedtime fights?

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Yammering Yankee said...

I could not agree more!!! There is nothing worse when Steve and I are tired maybe a little drunk and fighting best bet is just go to bed wake up and apologize and move on.

Tracie Everyday said...

I agree totally. Gabriel and I know that when we are tired, that isn't the time to be talking about deep shit. That is the perfect recipe for me to be cranky an an uber bit$$ to him!

Anonymous said...

Totally agree!!!!! Sometimes you just gotta not speak of it and it will solve itself.

Ginny @ Buttergirl Diaries said...

Alyssa I am right there with you. I don't mind going to bed angry. I have a MAJOR sleepy monster and Matthew knows this. You nailed it: Keep me up till 3 am and we have a much bigger problem on our hands and you will see a side of me that will not make the situation better.

If I get my sleep I am much more able and willing to resolve it with a clearer conscious and better attitude.

Love this and I don't agree with that advice either. It's specific to individual people and it's very situational as well


Kathy @ Vodka and Soda said...

we don't really fight but if we do and it's before bed, i immediately say TALK TO THE HAND CUZ THE FACE AIN'T LISTENING. #kiddingnotkidding.

when you're mad as hell and keep talking and nothing is getting resolved, you'll probably only wind up saying something you regret so it's best to squash it *at that moment* and continue when you've had a chance to calm down (and it's amazing what a full night's rest can do for the mind)

Vodka and Soda

Lauren said...

Going to bed angry is a must, especially when the fight is stupid. You figure it out the next day or it fixes itself, no big deal.

Stevie C said...

Ugh Terry and I never used to go to bed angry, but now we do because we're just too damn tired all the time. It's much better this way.

Anonymous said...

We definitely go to bed angry, the more we talk the madder we get. I'd rather just wait until morning, most of the time by then the whole fight looks stupid anyway.

Kerry @ Till Then Smile Often said...

Totally agree. Most fights can seem silly once you see the light of the morning and will work it out. If not then at least you are rested enough to continue! ;)

Kate @ Another Clean Slate said...

Agree! I need a pause to calm down. And what better pause than one involving sleep?

Jo-Anne Meadows said...

My nan told me that going to be angry is ok, gives on time to calm down and decide if their point of view was really right and if it wasn't then they knew to not bring up the topic again, as no want likes to say they are

She also said there was no point in making your husband sleep in another room, as you can't kick them when they are in another room and say you didn't know you were doing it as you were

Samantha @ Life is But a Stream of Thoughts said...

I feel like it's easier to back up and take some time to yourself before getting into a deeper argument. Even if that means a walk by yourself, a trip to your friend's house, or going to bed. Calm down so you can talk like adults.

Anonymous said...

I couldn't agree more! I hate that piece of advise. It is false! Usually after a good night's sleep, you don't even remember whatever crap you were fighting about. Plus, you just feel better in general. Besides, if my husband and I never went to bed angry, we would NEVER get any sleep. HAHA.

Em-provising said...

I love this. I think each couple handles fighting differently. I also think that when someone is tired they are MORE likely to push the problem to the side because they want the fight to be over so they can go to sleep. I think that causes resentment more than sleeping on it. Space brings a new perspective. I will say, however, that my husband and I do not leave the house angry, or at least without saying I love you and meaning it. I love all the pics of you two- you guys are a really cute couple! :)


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